


Grow on Me

by notionally



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - High School, Changkyun and Jaebum are brothers because I said so, Coming Out, Crushes, Growing Up, M/M, Minor Im Jaebum | JB/Park Jinyoung | Jr., Pining, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-15
Updated: 2019-01-04
Packaged: 2019-09-18 07:47:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 11,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16990926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notionally/pseuds/notionally
Summary: Changkyun never intended to develop a crush on his brother's best friend.Hoseok never intended to fall in love with his best friend's little brother.





	1. Changkyun

**Author's Note:**

> this was entirely born out of a coversation with [sabeen](https://twitter.com/molladoe) in which I was like "ok but imagine if jaebum and changkyun were brothers" so everyone say thank u sabeen

 

The first time Changkyun sees him, he’s fifteen.

It’s in that liminal point of the evening, when the sun has set but its light hasn’t quite disappeared from the world. He’s slipping out of the double doors leading into the back garden, one hand clutching a plastic cup filled with coke (no rum), the other hand warm and sweaty in Jooheon’s. They’re weaving their way through a mess of people, all of whom Changkyun doesn’t know, all his older brother’s friends, all of them seemingly absolutely wasted.

Given a choice, Changkyun would have stayed in his room all night. But he had invited Jooheon over, under the mistaken assumption that his best friend would want the same thing.

Instead, here he was, being dragged out of the safety of his room, and into the dim evening light.

“Hyung!” Jooheon calls, waving. “Jaebum hyung!”

Changkyun’s brother looks up at the sound of his name, turns in their direction. He’s in the middle of a game of beer pong, gets someone to replace him when he sees them approaching. Changkyun doesn’t think their parents would approve of him taking the table tennis table out of the shed for this purpose, but they’re away for the weekend, so who cares.

“Hey, kids,” he greets, then frowns as he sees the cup in Changkyun’s hand. “What are you drinking?”

Changkyun rolls his eyes. Trust Jaebum to be the overprotective older brother, as if he and his friends aren’t underage as well. But Jaebum isn’t going to let it go, so he shrugs. “Just coke,” he says.

Jaebum’s frown turns into a bright grin. “Good boy,” he praises, reaching over to ruffle Changkyun’s hair.

“Stop it,” whines Changkyun, ducking away.

Jooheon giggles. He sounds drunk, but Changkyun knows him well enough to know that he’s just like this all the time. “You playing beer pong?” he asks. “Can we play, too?”

“And who’s going to drink your beers when you lose?” teases Jaebum.

“ _You_ can,” retorts Jooheon, a shit-eating grin on his face. It draws a laugh from Jaebum, who pulls Jooheon into a playful headlock.

Changkyun steps to the side as his brother roughhouses his best friend. Sips on his coke, glad not to be in the centre of attention. He watches the rest his brother’s friends as they talk and laugh and jostle each other drunkenly.

Jaebum’s boyfriend is here too – Jinyoung – standing by the pool, a drink in one hand, the other hand running his fingers through his hair. He’s talking to Hyunwoo, who Changkyun vaguely knows because Jaebum sometimes brings him home to play video games with. But there’s also someone else who Changkyun doesn’t recognise. A someone else with broad shoulders and a bright smile, laughing and shaking his head.

That’s the first time Changkyun sees him.

His name is Hoseok, Changkyun later finds out, but he also goes by Wonho. He and Hyunwoo are best friends. He seems intimidating at first, but he’s actually just a sweetheart. He cries at any and all movies about animals. He wants to be a kindergarten teacher. He’s afraid of heights. His laugh is the most beautiful thing Changkyun has ever heard.

But Changkyun doesn’t know any of this when he first sees him. Not yet.

All he knows is that when their eyes meet, for the briefest of seconds, and this stranger shoots him a smile, Changkyun feels his heart leap.

It’s in the fading light of the setting sun, in his parent’s backyard, locking gazes with a boy he knows nothing about, that Changkyun first falls in love.

 

-

 

It’s a lot easier to fall in love than out of it. Changkyun learns this the hard way.

Sometime over the course of the rest of the summer, Jaebum and Hoseok become really good friends. Along with Jinyoung and Hyunwoo – the four of them are inseparable. It’s their last few months of freedom before university, and they seem determined to make it count.

Which means that they’re always at Changkyun’s house, playing video games, or kicking a ball about in the garden, or, jumping into the pool on particularly sticky summer days.

Changkyun doesn’t join in – they’re not _his_ friends, after all – but Jooheon’s on holiday with his family for a large portion of the summer, so he doesn’t have much else to do except sort of hang out in their orbit. And maybe he’s a little lonely without his best friend, but maybe he also welcomes the fact that he has an excuse to be around Hoseok.

It’s one of those sweltering afternoons, when the sky is a cloudless, brilliant blue, and the ground is so hot that it looks underwater. Changkyun’s in the living room, thankfully out of the sun, watching a stupid slapstick movie, he can’t remember which. Then the front door opens and in troops Jaebum, the other three boys in tow.

“Hey, Kyun,” his brother greets, reaching over to muss up his hair as they walk past. Changkyun slaps his hands away and twists around. Hoseok’s there, in a white t-shirt that stretches across his chest, hands shoved into the pockets of his shorts. When he catches Changkyun’s eye, he shoots him a brilliant smile. Changkyun tears his eyes away. Tries to ignore the hammering of his heart in his chest.

“You’re home earlier than you said,” he says, as nonchalantly as he can manage. He’s attempting by sheer force of will to stop the flush from creeping up his neck.

Jaebum shrugs. “The guys wanted to go for a swim,” he explains, is already halfway across the room and heading straight for the doors out into the back garden. The other boys amble along after him.

But Hoseok lingers for just a second. He’s still smiling at Changkyun. “Hey,” he says, in that sparkling, tinkling voice of his. “Do you – do you want to join?”

Changkyun starts. He wasn’t expecting to be spoken to, and blinks at Hoseok for a second before he realises he needs to respond. “Uh, no thanks,” is what he says, dumbly. “I, uh – movie.” He gestures at the television set, grimacing internally. Why is he so awkward?

Hoseok just grins, shrugging lightly. “If you’re sure,” he says, “but you’re always welcome to join us, you know.”

That, Changkyun highly doubts is true – if he tried to encroach upon Jaebum’s friends, he’s pretty sure his brother would have words with him about it. But he appreciates the gesture.

He doesn’t know what to say, though, so he just nods. “Thanks, hyung,” he mumbles.

Hoseok laughs, reaches over to ruffle his hair. Just like Jaebum had done, a moment ago. The gesture is familiar, and affectionate – the fleeting physical contact sends a frisson of attraction sparking through Changkyun’s body.

But it’s also brotherly. Nothing more.

Changkyun watches through the glass double doors leading out to the back garden as Hoseok runs across the grass to join his friends. Hoseok pulls his t-shirt off, and he’s so well-built, every inch of him toned muscle beneath glowing skin. Changkyun’s mouth goes dry.

Then Hoseok leaps into the pool and disappears underwater, and Changkyun releases the breath he had unconsciously been holding. Sags back down into the sofa.

It’s just a crush, he thinks. He’ll get over it.

 

-

 

He doesn’t get over it.

Hoseok’s at their house almost every single day. Changkyun watches as Hoseok’s hair starts to turn faintly golden from being so constantly drenched in the sun’s rays, and his skin starts to take on a warm, honeyed glow. It’s not fair, Changkyun thinks, how one person can be so unbearably beautiful.

The only thing Changkyun had wanted to do over the summer, since Jooheon wasn’t going to be around for most of it, was to finish his video game. But now Hoseok’s here all the time, which means Changkyun is distracted all the time, and it’s a real fucking nightmare. If he doesn’t beat this game before Jooheon gets back, he’s never going to live it down.

So when Jaebum announces that he and the boys are going to head into town and get some ice cream, Changkyun almost grateful. He knows he’s not invited – he never is, despite what Hoseok had said about him always being welcome to join – which means he’ll get at least a few hours of respite. Except it’s not going to be true respite, because his mind loves torturing him with images of Hoseok climbing out of the pool, shirtless and glistening in the sunlight, and great – now his character’s just been shot in the head by the enemy again.

His mother pokes her head out from the kitchen as Jaebum and his friends are already pulling their shoes on. “Take Changkyun with you, won’t you?” she calls out. “I don’t think he’s left the house since Jooheon went away.”

Changkyun looks up in a sort of panic. “Yes, I have!” he objects, even though it’s true, he hasn’t. He just doesn’t have that many friends. Or interests, outside of video games and music, neither of which requires he leave the house.

“Mom!” complains Jaebum. “I’m not Kyunnie’s babysitter!”

“I don’t need a babysitter!” Changkyun adds. His palms are getting sweaty. He glances over at his brother, at Hoseok, standing next to him. Hoseok looks at him, and their eyes meet. Changkyun looks away quickly.

“Let’s bring Kyun along,” Hoseok says. He elbows Jaebum in the side. “Your brother’s cool, I like him.”

Changkyun’s heart stutters in his chest.

Jaebum groans. “Fine, Kyun-ah, you’re coming with us,” he grumbles, but without heat. He’s fond of his little brother after all, even if he would rather his little brother didn’t hang out with his friends.

And so Changkyun finds himself in the back of his brother’s car, squished up between Jinyoung on one side, and Hoseok on the other. He’s never been this close to Hoseok before, and the sudden intense proximity is sending his heart racing. It’s warm inside the car. His face feels flushed.

“I can’t believe you’re making me squish in the back seat,” whines Jinyoung, leaning forward to complain in his boyfriend’s ear.

“I called shotgun!” declares Hyunwoo happily from the passenger seat.

Changkyun can see the self-satisfied grin on Jaebum’s face. “He’s right, he did call shotgun,” Jaebum replies. This earns him a smack from Jinyoung, to which he yells, “Hey, don’t mess with the driver!”

While the three of them are bickering, Hoseok bumps his shoulder gently into Changkyun’s. “You okay?” he asks.

Changkyun startles, chokes a little as he tries to reply. “Uh, yeah,” he mumbles. “Why?”

Hoseok shrugs, a little awkwardly in the tight space. His shoulders are really broad, and they push into Changkyun’s personal space. Not that Changkyun minds.

“No reason,” Hoseok says. “You just look a little red.”

Changkyun can feel the colour on his cheeks intensifying, heating up under Hoseok’s scrutiny. “It’s just – hot in here,” he says, stumbling over his words. His entire chest feels like it’s opened up, like there’s a void there about to swallow him up whole in embarrassment.

“Good thing we’re going for ice cream, then, right?” Hoseok teases, grinning at him. Changkyun swallows around the lump in his throat. He doesn’t know what to say, so he just nods. Prays for them to get to town soon, before he has a heart attack from just being so close to Hoseok.

By the time Jaebum parks the car, and they all pour out of it, Changkyun feels light-headed. He stumbles after his brother and his friends, grateful for the cool air of the air-conditioned ice cream shop that they step into. Stays out of the way, as Jinyoung and Hyunwoo start arguing about the relative merits of chocolate versus vanilla.

“Hey, kid – what do you want?” Hoseok asks suddenly, turning to look at him.

Changkyun shuffles his weight from one foot to the other. “I – I’m fine,” he says. “I don’t need anything.”

This makes Hoseok laugh. “Don’t be silly, come here,” he says, reaching out and tugging Changkyun over by the wrist. “Pick something – my treat.”

Next to him, Jaebum rolls his eyes. “Why are _you_ treating my little brother to ice cream?” he complains, like it’s a matter of pride for him or something. Knowing Jaebum, it probably is.

“Because you’re not offering,” shoots back Hoseok. “One of us has to be the good hyung.”

Changkyun’s entire body feels like it’s on fire. He doesn’t know what’s happening, but he’s here, and he’s with Hoseok, and Hoseok is being nice to him and buying him ice cream and it’s all very overwhelming. He leans closer to the glass, peers at the ice cream flavours, tries to ignore everything that’s going on around him.

“Anything you like,” says Hoseok, softly. Changkyun turns to look at him. There’s a fond smile on his face. He’s not just handsome, Changkyun realises. He’s kind. He has kind eyes, and a kind smile, and it makes Changkyun’s heart clench.

“Um, that one,” Changkyun says, turning to the lady behind the counter. Prods his finger against the glass.

Hoseok leans in closer to him. “ _That one?”_ he repeats, incredulously. “Lemon? You want the _lemon sorbet?”_

Changkyun shrugs. “I don’t really like ice cream,” he explains. Smiles shyly at the lady behind the counter as she hands him his cup of ice cream.

“You don’t really like ice cream?” Hoseok exclaims, his voice pitched higher than usual in disbelief. They file out of the shop, arrange themselves around a small table in the sunshine. Hoseok’s next to him, because of course he is. He hasn’t left Changkyun’s side. Maybe because he’s still horrified about Changkyun’s ice cream revelation.

Jaebum nods, scooping a generous spoonful of his ice cream into his mouth. “The little demon only likes sorbet,” he says. “I tried to disown him for it but my parents wouldn’t let me.”

Changkyun colours a little from having all of this attention on him. Nibbles on a spoonful of his lemon sorbet. “It’s too sweet,” he grumbles. “I like sorbet more.”

Hoseok hums contemplatively as he licks his ice cream. He’d gotten it in a cone, probably because the universe relishes in torturing Changkyun. Every time his tongue swirls out to snatch another lick of his ice cream, Changkyun feels a twisting in his gut.

“I’ve never tried sorbet,” Hoseok admits. Casts his eyes over to Changkyun. There’s traces of his ice cream on his lips. Changkyun tries not to look at them. “Can I try some?”

“Uh,” Changkyun says, a little belatedly. Holds his cup out to Hoseok. “Yeah, sure.”

Beaming, Hoseok scoops a tiny bit of the sorbet up with Changkyun’s spoon, pops it in his mouth. Immediately pulls a face. “Ah,” he complains. “Sour!”

“It’s lemon, you idiot,” scolds Jaebum.

Changkyun giggles. Takes his spoon back, and scoops more sorbet into his mouth. “I like it.”

Jinyoung raises an eyebrow. “That’s indirect kissing, you know,” he says. Colour floods into Changkyun’s cheeks, and he splutters around his ice cream.

“Don’t say that about my little brother, you monster!” shouts Jaebum, clapping his hand around the nape of Jinyoung’s neck and tugging him close.

Next to him, Hoseok just laughs. Slings an arm around Changkyun. “Don’t listen to him,” he says lightly, “he’s just teasing.”

The moment passes, and the conversation moves on. It’s just teasing, of course it is. But Changkyun’s stomach doesn’t unclench. And he doesn’t stop thinking about it. Doesn’t think he’ll ever stop thinking about it.

 

-

 

There are many moments, over the course of that sweltering summer, that Changkyun thinks he’ll never stop thinking about. But there’s also an evening, towards the end of the summer, that Changkyun _knows_ he’ll never forget.

His parents are out for dinner with their friends, and Jaebum is at Jinyoung’s house. He would usually have invited Jooheon over, but he’s still not back from his holiday yet. Which means Changkyun is alone at home, and utterly bored.

He’s sitting on the sofa, trying to decide between watching a movie and attempting once again to pass the level he’s stuck at on this video game, when he hears the doorbell ring.

Changkyun’s heart leaps in panic. His first instinct is that it’s a burglar, but then why would a burglar ring the doorbell? Still, he knows better than to open the door to strangers when he’s alone at home, so he just ducks his head down, tries to remain quiet and unnoticed.

Then he hears Hoseok’s voice.

“Let me in, Jaebum, you big dork!” he’s shouting.

Changkyun feels his heart skitter again, but in a different way this time. He slowly climbs to his feet, shuffles over to the front door. Peers out of the peephole, just to make sure it is actually Hoseok, before he opens the door.

Hoseok looks mildly taken aback to see him there, but the surprise quickly fades into a bright grin. “Hey, kiddo,” he greets cheerily. Changkyun wishes he wouldn’t call him that. “Where’s your brother?”

“He’s at Jinyoung hyung’s,” Changkyun says. “Why?”

This makes Hoseok frown. “That idiot,” he grumbles. Already stepping across the threshold, shrugging his light denim jacket off his shoulders. “He said his parents were out, asked if I wanted to come over and play video games.”

Changkyun scrunches up his face in what he hopes looks like an apology, on behalf of his brother. “Jinyoung called like, half an hour ago, said he managed to get out of some family thing,” he explains.

“And, let me guess, he thought with his dick,” says Hoseok, hopping over the back of the sofa and plopping down in what was previously Changkyun’s seat.

Changkyun walks around, like a civilised human being, and sits next to Hoseok. Tries to pretend like this is totally chill, like his heart isn’t hammering a tattoo against his breastbone, like his hands aren’t getting disgustingly clammy.

“Please don’t talk about my brother’s dick,” is all he manages to say, feebly.

But it makes Hoseok laugh, so maybe that’s okay, then. “My bad, sorry,” he says, grinning at Changkyun. “Anyway, I’m here now. What are you up to?”

Changkyun blinks in confusion. “Me?”

“Yeah, you,” Hoseok replies. He chuckles. “I’m bored. Let’s hang out. You seem like a cool kid.”

And there it is again, that word. _Kid._ That’s all Changkyun will ever be to Hoseok.

But that’s okay, too. Changkyun likes Hoseok, likes being in his presence, likes having his attention, likes basking in the warm, vibrant energy that he radiates. It doesn’t matter that he’ll only ever be Hoseok’s best friend’s little brother. That’s enough.

“Can’t decide between video games or a movie,” Changkyun says. Picks up the two DVDs on the coffee table, hands them to Hoseok.

“Game, obviously!” Hoseok replies eagerly. He chucks the movie back onto the coffee table without even looking at it, scurries over to the tv to get the game set up. “We can play this in two-player, right?”

They can, although it won’t help Changkyun beat the level he had been trying to. But Changkyun nods. “Yeah, of course.”

The thing that really sticks out in Changkyun’s memory, though, comes towards the end of the evening. They’ve played a few rounds of the game, both in competitive and collaborative mode. Changkyun’s starting to feel more comfortable, more at ease. Even though his stomach still does a flip every time Hoseok reaches over to slap him on the back, or nudge him with his shoulder.

But then, after they’ve lost yet another boss battle, and Changkyun throws his controller onto the coffee table, Hoseok suddenly turns to him.

“Hey, Kyun-ah,” he says, “Can I ask you something?” There’s a softness, an almost tenderness in his voice. But Changkyun still tenses up. He doesn’t look at Hoseok, just clears his throat, fiddles with the hem of his t-shirt.

“Yeah?” he mumbles.

Hoseok cocks his head at him. Like he’s trying to figure something out. A long, excruciatingly long, silence passes between them before Hoseok speaks. When he does, what he says is, “How come you don’t have a girlfriend?”

Changkyun’s chest clenches. He takes a shaky inhale, then an even shakier exhale. “I, uh – don’t want one,” he says. But it comes out more like a question.

“Oh, okay,” Hoseok says, gently. “Sorry – I don’t mean to pry. I just – I wondered, if maybe you wanted to talk to someone. About, whatever.”

Changkyun squeezes his eyes shut. Shakes his head slightly. “No, don’t be sorry,” he says. He feels like he’s on the brink, on the precipice of something. Of something he’s never before spoken out loud. “I don’t want a girlfriend,” he says, forming each word carefully in his mouth. “Not a girlfriend.”

He can feel Hoseok’s eyes on him. But he can’t bring himself to meet his gaze.

“Yeah,” is all Hoseok says, then, “okay.” He pauses, like he’s trying to find the right words. “A – boyfriend, then?”

Changkyun can hear the rush of his blood in his ears. He thinks he might pass out. But, in another sense, he thinks that this is the most important thing he’s ever done.

“A boyfriend,” he repeats, carefully. Testing the word out on his tongue. “Yeah. I mean – yes. I think so.”

Hoseok’s nodding. Changkyun can see it in his peripheral vision. He’s waiting for Hoseok to lurch away from him in disgust, to twist his face into a sneer, and run out of the house laughing. Which doesn’t make any sense, of course, because Hoseok is best friends with his brother, and Jinyoung, after all. Hoseok clearly gets it. But it doesn’t stop Changkyun from panicking.

What Hoseok says, in the end, is simple. “Good for you,” he says. “I’m sure you’ll find one, someday.”

And that’s what makes Changkyun finally, finally, turn to look at him. What makes him see the genuine kindness in his eyes. It makes him feel a sudden, desperate urge to cry. Not out of sadness, or fear. But just out of relief.

“Your brother, he wanted a boyfriend too,” says Hoseok. His voice is so, impossibly gentle. “And, well – I do too. Lots of people do. It’s okay, Kyun-ah. It’ll be okay.”

Changkyun rubs a hand across his eyes, rubs the tears away. Shoots Hoseok a small, hesitant smile.

“Thank you,” he says. And he means it. More than anything he’s ever said. “Thank you.”

 

-

 

The summer eventually comes to an end.

And when Changkyun’s brother leaves for university, so does Hoseok.

All four of them are going to the same university, the only good one in their state, which means that there’s no need for bittersweet farewells between them. They somehow manage to pile themselves and all of their worldly possessions into two cars, and then they’re gone.

Jaebum’s the last of the four of them to get picked up. Changkyun’s sitting with his brother in the kitchen, both of them quietly sipping at their cups of coffee, as they wait. He can feel the nerves radiating off Jaebum in waves. His chest aches.

When the cars roll up, Jaebum leaps out of his seat, snatching his bags up off the floor and already halfway out the door before Changkyun can react. He stumbles out of the front door behind his brother, carrying the rest of Jaebum’s stuff.

Changkyun’s heart stutters in his chest when he sees Hoseok standing there, helping Jaebum load his bags into the car. He’s just in a t-shirt and jeans, and a bomber jacket, but he looks so much like a _college kid_ now. Changkyun’s only a couple of years behind Hoseok, but he suddenly feels incredibly, pathetically young.

“Hey, kid,” greets Hoseok, smiling at him as he takes Jaebum’s bags from Changkyun.

“Hey,” replies Changkyun. He hesitates. Jaebum’s standing by the passenger window of the other car, leaning in to give Jinyoung a kiss. Hyunwoo’s in the driver’s seat, and he makes a disgusted face at the two of them. They’re too far from him and Hoseok to hear anything.

Changkyun turns back to Hoseok. The realisation that this might be the last time they ever meet like this surges up in him like a swell of panic. He doesn’t know what to say, what the right words are, to let someone who means the world to him know just how much he’s changed his life.

What he says is, “I, um – I’ll miss you.”

Hoseok pauses, tilts his head to one side. Looks at him like a puzzle. “Yeah?” he asks. Softly. In that same, kind, voice that he had used with Changkyun that one evening, just the two of them.

But, in the end, Changkyun isn’t brave enough. “I mean – I’ll miss you guys,” he corrects, hastily. His heart is thudding vigorously against his ribcage. “It’ll be quiet around here without you. All of you.”

A moment of hesitation, before a bright smile spreads across Hoseok’s face. His eyes fold into crescents. “We’ll miss you too,” he says. Reaches a hand over to clap Changkyun on the shoulder. The touch sends nerves skittering through Changkyun. “But you’ll come join us in a couple years, won’t you?”

Changkyun shrugs, as nonchalantly as he can manage. “Yeah,” he mumbles, looking down, away from Hoseok, anywhere but at Hoseok. His eyes dart between the small pieces of gravel on the ground. He kicks at one of them with the toe of his sneaker. “I guess.”

A heavy silence settles between them, and Changkyun’s ready to make a run for it, but then Jaebum comes bounding back towards them. Hoseok releases him to let Jaebum sweep Changkyun into his arms. For once, Changkyun doesn’t try to wriggle out of his grasp. Just presses his face into the broad expanse of his brother’s chest, breathes in the comforting scent of him.

“I’m going to miss you so much, kiddo,” murmurs Jaebum, tousling Changkyun’s hair. “Be good, okay?”

Changkyun nods as Jaebum pulls away. He blinks hard, desperate not to cry. “Yeah, of course,” he mumbles. Rubs at his eyes and looks up at his brother. “Have a good time at uni.”

“We will!” calls out Jaebum excitedly, already running round to the side of the car, hopping in like a child getting ready to go to the zoo. And maybe that’s exactly what going to university is like. Changkyun doesn’t know.

He turns back to Hoseok, who’s still standing there, in front of him.

“See you around, kid,” Hoseok says, smiling lopsidedly at him. Reaches over, ruffles up his hair. “And remember,” he adds, “everything will be okay.”

“I know,” Changkyun says. Forces a smile, even though he feels completely hollowed out.

And then Hoseok’s walking round the car and slipping into the driver’s seat. Changkyun steps back from the street, waves at his brother and his brother’s friends, as the two cars pull away from the house. They rumble down their quiet residential street, round the corner, and disappear from view.

Changkyun releases the breath that had been trapped inside him.

He realises, with a start, that he never actually said goodbye.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter: changkyun goes to uni, wonho's pov
> 
> please leave kudos/comments to let me know what you thought, and come talk to me @notionxally on twitter or cc !! I'm obsessed with wonkyun and I need people to talk to about it...


	2. Hoseok

 

It’s the start of a new school year.

The air is cool, and crisp, and the leaves in the trees are golden like fire. Hoseok stands in the fading light of the evening sun. Breathes in the endless possibility.

“Come on in!” shouts Jaebum, throwing his front door open. Dragging Hoseok into a tight hug.

They had been roommates, once — all four of them. Jaebum and Jinyoung sharing the biggest room in the flat, Hoseok and Hyunwoo each taking one of the smaller rooms. Two years, they’d lived together. But now Jaebum and Jinyoung have their own place, and so do Hyunwoo and his new boyfriend, a chirpy second year named Minhyuk.

Hoseok’s just about getting used to living alone.

It’s not that he’s lonely. He has no shortage of dates, no lack of people interested in him. But it was easier, being with his three best friends. He didn’t need to be the cool kid everyone seemed to think he was. He could just be himself. Dorky. Soft-hearted.

But Hoseok’s not going to complain. He’s happy for his friends, he really is.

Jaebum and Jinyoung’s new flat, just on the edge of campus, is small but cozy. The setting sun streams in through the large living room windows, casting a honeyed glow on everything and everyone.

As far as ‘back to school’ parties go, this one is fairly tame. But they’re third years now. Their days of wild, raging parties are behind them. It’s okay to just get a little buzzed and flirt with your best friends’ other friends, then go home alone to your own bed with all your memories still intact. And that’s exactly what Hoseok intends to do.

He’s standing in the kitchen, a couple of beers in, when the same old question pops up.

“What about you?” This time it’s Jinyoung doing the asking. He’s leaning lazily back against the kitchen counter. “Still not seeing anyone?”

Hoseok forces a half-grin. “Nah,” he hums. Sips at his beer. He looks around the flat. It’s packed full of people, but no one catches his eye. No one’s caught his eye for a while. The electronic music thumps on in the background. Hoseok feels like he’s just drifting along.

He thinks back to another party, years before. The memory hasn’t crossed his mind in a while.

It was at Jaebum’s family home — a place he hasn’t been to in years, not since he’d left for university and his parents had moved across town. The sun was hanging low over the horizon, much like it is now. He remembers standing by the pool, remembers locking eyes with a slender boy, standing across the back garden.

Jaebum’s younger brother. Changkyun. Not someone Hoseok’s thought about in a while.

But sometimes he gets nostalgic, and he thinks about the scrawny little teenager who’d always seemed to be hiding universes within him. Changkyun, with his thoughtful eyes and slow drawl of a voice. He wonders where he is now.

“Hey, guys!” Jaebum calls out, suddenly. Pokes his head into the kitchen, beaming from one end of his face to the other. “Look who’s here!”

Hoseok blinks himself back to reality. Follows along as Jinyoung lights up and hurries out of the kitchen. In the living room, Jaebum’s already got his arm thrown around whoever their special guest is. Hoseok wonders from Jaebum and Jinyoung’s evident excitement if he should know who this person is, if they’ve said it to him but he’s missed the memo somewhere along the line.

Hyunwoo’s laughing, clapping this stranger on the shoulder. Hoseok can’t quite see his face, can just see a sharp jawline and a messy head of ashy brown hair.

Then the stranger turns around, and Hoseok’s heart shudders to a stop.

He sees his eyes first, bright and piercing. As they always have been. Boring directly into Hoseok’s soul.

It takes a moment for the rest of him to come into focus in Hoseok’s mind. The elegant nose, the gently upturned mouth. The faded acne scars on his cheeks, barely noticeable now. The long, slender neck, the prominent collarbones peeking out from underneath the wide neck of his oversized black jumper.

“Hey,” he says. His voice isn’t hovering in that limbo between youth and adulthood anymore. It’s deep, mellow. Round and rich and warm.

It’s Changkyun, just as Hoseok remembers, but somehow also completely different.

Hoseok stumbles forward. “Hey,” he greets. Tries to smile, like a normal human being. He can’t quite understand why he feels so unnerved by Changkyun’s presence here.

“My brother!” shouts Jaebum, needlessly. Gestures towards the rest of his friends in the living room, some of whom have stopped their conversations and are looking at the scene with mild amusement. “He’s here!”

Changkyun chuckles. His laugh is low, and subtle. Like he’s sharing a secret joke with himself. “So I am,” he murmurs.

Hoseok tries to remember when the last time he’d seen Changkyun was. The memory strikes him like a hammer. The two of them, standing outside the Im family home. Hoseok feeling a sudden, desperate urge to say something to Changkyun, but he doesn’t know what.

What he _does_ distinctly recall? The sense of loss.

Or maybe the sense of lost opportunities.

 

-

 

“I didn’t realise you were coming here,” Hoseok says, later, when he finds himself standing next to Changkyun on the small balcony. He shivers slightly in the evening coolness. Changkyun wraps his arms around himself. His sleeves are too long for his arms. His fingers peek out from the ends.

“Here, the party?” asks Changkyun. “Or here, the university?”

Hoseok shrugs. “Both,” he says. “But I meant the latter.”

Changkyun nods, slowly. “You told me to come join you,” he says, after a long pause. Such a long pause that Hoseok was on the verge of wondering if he was ever going to reply.

“Did I?”

“Yeah, on that day, when you left,” Changkyun says. His voice is quiet. Almost shy.

Hoseok hums in contemplation. “So I did,” he murmurs. The memory is hazy in his mind. He brings his beer bottle to his lips, takes a long swig. “It’s been, what — two years?”

Changkyun smiles at him. It’s a close-lipped smile, but it’s relaxed. “Almost to the day,” he agrees. Two small dimples have appaeared above the corners of his lips. Hoseok can’t stop himself from staring at them.

“It’s nice to see you again,” he adds, and as he says it, he realises that he means it. Maybe it’s because Changkyun knew him before he became a _college kid,_ whatever that means. Because Changkyun knew him when he wore backwards baseball caps and too-tight shirts with inane slogans on then.

Or maybe just because he liked having Changkyun around, back then. Back then, when they were both younger. Back during that seemingly interminable summer when the heat poured down and set them on fire.

Maybe he just liked the way Changkyun always seemed to be watching everything around him with such studious intent, like he was trying to discern from his surroundings the meaning of the universe. Or simpler things, like the laugh he sometimes let loose when he wasn’t so conscious that he was hanging out with his older brother’s friends, or the snarky tone his voice could take when bickering with Jaebum.

Hoseok leans forward, his forearms pressing into the cool metal of the railing. His head feels slightly foggy from the booze.

The sound of a phone vibrating in a pocket startles him. Changkyun gives him an apologetic shrug, pulls a phone out of the back pocket of his jeans. Hoseok catches sight of the name on the screen. It says ‘Honey’. He darts his gaze away, like he’s intruded on something intimate. Not meant for his eyes.

“Hey,” Changkyun murmurs into the phone. Hoseok shoves his hands into his pocket, rocks back onto his heels. Tries to pretend he can't hear every single word Changkyun is saying, along with the low murmur of a guy’s voice on the other end of the line. “Yeah, I have keys,” Changkyun adds. “No need to wait up. I'll be home soon. Yeah, sure. I'll see you later.”

When he hangs up, Hoseok turns back to him with an understanding smile. He’s dated people before. He knows what it’s like. “You have to go?” he asks.

Changkyun hesitates for the briefest of moments. His lips part, like he has something to say, but then he swallows the words in his mouth before he can speak them. “That was just my roommate,” he says. A roommate he calls ‘Honey’, a voice in Hoseok’s head chirps out, but Hoseok doesn’t say anything. Changkyun clears his throat. “But yeah, I should probably go.”

Hoseok nods, raises his beer bottle in a gesture that says ‘see you’. Changkyun nods at him, then slips through the glass doors, back into the warm, brightly-lit living room. A cool breeze blows past Hoseok, alone again, with only the inky blackness of the night for company.

No one’s caught his eye for a while. That’s what he’d said to Jinyoung. It was true, then.

Maybe that’s about to change.

 

-

 

The next time he sees Changkyun, it’s in the bright, sober light of day.

He shouldn’t be surprised that Changkyun is just as striking — maybe even more so — when his brain isn’t all fuzzy from beer and maybe one or two shots of tequila. But he is — surprised, that is.

Hoseok’s walking past one of the university buildings, on his way back to his flat, when Changkyun bursts out of the building’s front doors. He takes the steps down to the pavement two at a time, head ducked down, running one hand through his hair. The early winter sunlight turning the sandy brown strands into spun gold.

“Oh,” says Changkyun, when he spots Hoseok. “Hi there.”

And Hoseok must have stopped walking, because he’s an idiot who doesn’t know how to behave around people. Particularly people from his past whom he had placed neatly into one box — best friend’s little brother — and who are now trying to worm their way into another. Hoseok doesn’t know what other box, but it’s definitely not one he feels comfortable placing his best friend’s little brother into.

In any case, he clears his throat theatrically, rubs one hand across the back of his neck. Mumbles, “Hello. I was just — walking past. I wasn’t stalking you.”

Changkyun raises an eyebrow. “I didn’t think you were,” he says, coolly. Shoves his hands into his pockets, rests his weight on one hip. He looks incredibly comfortable in his own skin, without being arrogant or showy about it. He just — is who he is. Or at least, seems that way. Seems unbothered by what other people think. Hoseok doesn’t think he used to be this way, back when they first met. Or maybe he had just never noticed.

“Where are you headed, anyway?” Changkyun asks.

Hoseok tries to get a grip on himself. “Home,” he replies. Gestures the way he was going. “My flat is over there. I’m done with classes for the day.”

Changkyun nods. Starts walking in the direction Hoseok had pointed towards. “My dorms are that way too,” he says. “Let’s walk together.”

It’s a little weird, being around Changkyun, completely outside their connection via Jaebum. They’re just two people, who happen to go to the same university, walking down a sunny path together. It feels so normal, and so easy, that it goes full circle into being disconcerting.

“What are you studying, anyway?” Hoseok asks, after they’ve fallen into step next to each other, and a few moments of silence have passed. He isn’t sure why, but he feels the pressure to make conversation. Maybe because he’s older? Because it feels like his duty? Or maybe just because he wants Changkyun to talk to him.

Whatever it is, Changkyun doesn’t seem to notice. “Music,” he says, breezily.

“Right,” Hoseok murmurs. He vaguely recalls this. “You liked that, even back then.”

Changkyun looks surprised. “You remembered,” he says. There’s the faintest glimmer of a smile dancing on his lips. It makes Hoseok’s heart leap. He tears his eyes away, focuses on the path in front of him.

“What are you doing the rest of today?” Changkyun asks, out of nowhere. The question startles Hoseok. He glances back at Changkyun. “I mean — I just got a bunch of new video games,” Changkyun adds, quickly. “If you wanted, you could come over and play.”

Hoseok thinks back to the last time they’d played video games together. Thinks of the conversation they’d had. Thinks of the raw, vulnerable look in Changkyun’s eyes. There’s an oddly similar openness in Changkyun’s eyes now. It terrifies Hoseok, how much that look draws him in.

“I don’t,” Hoseok starts, and he sees Changkyun’s face fall. He panics. Stumbles over his words in his frantic need to wipe that disappointed look off Changkyun’s face. “I mean — won’t your boyfriend mind?”

Changkyun frowns at him. “My — boyfriend?”

“Yeah, uh — the guy who called you? ‘Honey’?” Hoseok’s face colours at the indirect admission that he had peeked at Changkyun’s phone.

But Changkyun doesn’t look annoyed. It takes a second, but then his brow unfurls and his mouth curls into a smile. “Jooheon isn’t my boyfriend,” he says, and it sounds like he’s laughing. Hoseok should be offended, but it’s clear that Changkyun isn’t laughing at him. He’s just laughing. It’s a warm, comforting sound. “‘Honey’ is just a stupid nickname. He’s my best friend. And my roommate.”

“Right.” Great. Now Hoseok feels like an idiot. But he also can’t stop the light, fluttering feeling that erupts in his chest.

“So now that you’re not afraid I have a beefy boyfriend ready to beat you up, will you play video games with me?” Changkyun prods, the teasing evident in his voice.

Hoseok manages a scoff. “Please,” he shoots back, “I could take any beefy boyfriend of yours.”

What he doesn’t expect is for Changkyun to stop, raise an eyebrow at him, and say, “Yeah, I bet you could.”

Nor does he expect the twisting, clenching, coiling fire that erupts in his gut when he hears Changkyun say that.

Hoseok swallows tightly, licks his lips. “Games sounds like fun,” he manages to get out. Grins broadly, ignoring the flush creeping up his neck.

 _That’s your best friend’s little brother,_ the voice in his head screams at him.

But there’s another voice, small but insistent, whispering, _he’s not so little anymore._

 

-

 

Hoseok playing video games with Changkyun quickly turns into a regular thing. Sometimes at Changkyun and Jooheon’s place, sometimes at Hoseok’s. But always, always, just the two of them.

Hoseok doesn’t tell Jaebum about it. Doesn’t know how Jaebum would feel about him hanging out with his little brother. Doesn’t think too hard about why Jaebum should have anything to object to. They’re just friends, after all. Good friends. Hoseok is best friends with Jaebum, so it stands to reason that he would get along with Jaebum’s brother as well.

Never mind that the more time Hoseok spends with Changkyun, the more time he wants to spend with Changkyun. Never mind that he starts to feel a swell of affection every time he hears Changkyun laugh, or that his heart rate tends to speed up whenever their arms brush or knees bump.

In any case, in some ways it gets easier, because Hoseok slowly gets used to Changkyun. He was just blindsided before, by how casually confident Changkyun was. And how handsome he had become in the space of just two years. But as they start hanging out more, Hoseok relaxes into the realisation that Changkyun isn’t so different after all. In so many ways, he’s still the dorky kid from the first time they met.

And if Hoseok finds himself warming to all of Changkyun’s quirks, all the ones that had always been there, and that he’s only just now discovering — it’s just friendly affection. That’s all it is.

Hoseok’s lying to himself.

He doesn’t realise this until a few months later.

It’s during one of their video gaming afternoons. They’re both sitting cross-legged on the sofa, knees knocking, eyes trained on the tv screen and fingers flying over the controllers. Changkyun takes out Hoseok's character, throws his controller down in triumph, pumps his fists into the air.

"I can't believe how good you got at games," Hoseok teases. He nudges his shoulder against Changkyun’s.

Changkyun chuckles. "I've had plenty of practice while you were gone.”

There’s a beat of silence.

"Remember the first time we played together?” Changkyun asks. “I kept getting us killed.” He leans back into the sofa, head tilting back as he lets his eyes fall closed.

There's something in his voice that gives Hoseok pause.

Changkyun has always had the air of an old soul about him. This, Hoseok remembers clearly. Remembers wondering how Changkyun could be so young, but also seem like he’s lived a hundred lives, seen a thousand things. How there always seemed to be something heavy inside him, weighing him down.

If anything, Changkyun seems younger now. Lighter.

It makes Hoseok feel lighter too.

Memories swim through his mind, hazy images that evoke unexpectedly crisp feelings in him. One burning afternoon, the two of them on a sofa not so different from this one. Changkyun sharing a piece of his truth with Hoseok. Something Hoseok didn’t think — still doesn’t think — he deserves.

He wonders what Changkyun is thinking about. If they're thinking about the same thing.

"You were the first person I came out to," Changkyun says, softly. He opens his eyes, looks at Hoseok. Through Hoseok. Into Hoseok. The air between them thickens with tension. So they were thinking about the same thing, after all.

Hoseok had always sort of known that he was the first, but to hear Changkyun to say it now — it feels too intimate. Like too much responsibility on his shoulders. He doesn't know what to say, so he just nods.

Changkyun makes a soft humming noise under his breath. Releases a long, slow sigh. "It's stupid," he mumbles.

And even though Hoseok has no idea what Changkyun is about to say, he knows, with unwavering certainty, that it most definitely is not stupid. "Tell me," he says, even though he's half afraid to hear it.

Changkyun looks at him. Blinks, slowly. "I used to have a crush on you, you know," he says.

Hoseok’s heart stops. _What?_

He doesn’t say anything — can’t make a single sound. His entire body feels like it’s been dunked in ice water and then immediately set on fire.

“Back before you went to university,” Changkyun continues. He laughs. How he can laugh like that when he’s thrown Hoseok’s world into turmoil, Hoseok can’t figure out. “I had such a massive crush on you.”

“Changkyun,” Hoseok breathes, because it’s all he can manage to say. He’s frozen in place.

“Isn’t that funny?” Changkyun asks. Smiles. “Isn’t that funny, hyung?”

It’s not funny at all. It’s maybe the least funny thing Hoseok’s ever heard.

Here Changkyun is, once again unfolding himself with such lack of self-consciousness, exposing his most rawest truths to Hoseok. Changkyun is brave, Hoseok realises. Far, far braver than him.

Changkyun straightens up, shuffles himself around on the sofa to he's properly facing Hoseok. "Does that weird you out?"

Hoseok hesitates for a moment. Then — "no," he says. Truthfully. It scares him, mostly because of what it makes him realise he feels for Changkyun, but no. It doesn't weird him out. Not at all. If anything, it feels like the most natural, comfortable truth.

"You were also the first boy I loved," Changkyun adds, gently. "Or, at least — the first boy I ever knew I loved."

"Oh." Hoseok's throat has gone desert dry. "Okay."

Changkyun stares at him for a long, impossibly long, moment. His gaze is so intent, it sucks all of the air out of the room. Hoseok thinks he's about to suffocate, when finally Changkyun blinks.

"I'm glad we're friends now," he says.

His eyes are cast down. Hoseok studies the way his eyelashes rest on the tops of his cheeks. They look soft, and feathery. Hoseok wants to reach out and touch them. He doesn’t.

"Yeah," Hoseok mumbles. _Liar,_ the voice in his head hisses. "Me too."

 

-

 

Hoseok can’t stop thinking about Changkyun.

It’s all in the past, of course. Hoseok tries to forget about it. But Changkyun’s confession — can it count as a confession if it’s all in the past? — has planted something inside him. It niggles him almost constantly. Murmurings of doubt.

Things like — _does Changkyun still like me?_

Or — _do I want Changkyun to still like me?_

And, scariest of all — _do I like Changkyun back?_

The main student club in town is hosting an end of year party, and all Hoseok wants to do is to get drunk. Try and remember how much easier it was not to care about anyone. How much easier it was not to have someone’s face float into your mind’s eye every time you close your eyes.

By the time they get to the club, they’ve had a few drinks in Jaebum and Jinyoung’s place, and Hoseok is feeling nicely buzzed. He’s in his tightest pair of jeans, and a t-shirt that he knows does wonders for his broad chest and thick arms. Maybe he’ll find someone to take home tonight.

They’re at the bar getting more drinks, when Jaebum pulls out his phone. He glances at the screen, then leans towards them, shouts, “Kyun is here, too!”

If Hoseok’s heart skips, it’s only because of the pounding bass and flashing strobe lights.

“We should go look for him,” Hyunwoo suggests. Hoseok doesn’t know if he agrees or disagrees with the suggestion. He glances at the bartender, mixing their drinks. Drums his fingers against the top of the bar nervously.

In any case, Jaebum has other ideas. “I am _not_ hanging out with my baby brother in a club,” he says to Hyunwoo, sounding scandalised. “If I see him grinding up against someone I won’t know whether to punch the guy or barf.”

And great — now Hoseok’s thinking about Changkyun grinding up against someone. He frowns, grabs the glass the bartender has set down in front of him, takes a large gulp of the drink. The coke tastes sickly sweet in his mouth, while the whiskey burns the back of his throat.

It doesn’t take long for Minhyuk to materialise, and spirit Hyunwoo away onto the dance floor. Jaebum and Jinyoung, meanwhile, finds seats in a booth and Hoseok knows from experience that it won’t be long before one of them shoves their tongue down the other’s throat. He slips away before he has to endure that particular sight again, stands on one of the upper floor balconies, surveys the heaving dance floor below.

His eyes scan the crowd. Hyunwoo’s easy to spot, his large frame and vigorous dance moves drawing Hoseok’s attention. There are a handful of other people he knows dotted around the place. Some of whom he’s slept with, some of whom he knows he’d be able to sleep with if he wanted. He could go join any of them. But he doesn’t.

By the time he finds Changkyun — not that he was looking for him — Hoseok’s already finished his drink. His throat feels suddenly dry as he watched Changkyun, weaving his way through the crowd, one hand holding on to Jooheon, and the other holding on to someone Hoseok’s never seen before. He can’t see very clearly from where he is, but Changkyun seems to be in a wide-necked black t-shirt that practically hangs off his shoulders. His collarbones catch the light.

Changkyun throws his head back in a laugh that Hoseok can’t hear, but he can imagine with such clarity what it sounds like. He leans back into his friend-who-isn’t-Jooheon, a slim, dark-haired guy with sharp features. And hands that are snaked around Changkyun’s waist.

Hoseok’s gut clenches. He watches as Changkyun twists round, throws his own arms over the guy’s shoulders. They lean their heads close together, one of them whispering in the other’s ear, before Jooheon gives Changkyun a playful shove, and they break apart. Changkyun buries his face in Jooheon’s shoulder, evidently smothering giggles. His friend reaches over, runs his fingers through Changkyun’s hair.

Before Hoseok even knows what he’s doing, he finds himself already stumbling down the stairs from the upper floor. He hasn’t made any conscious decision to move, but his feet are carrying him across the dance floor anyway, his shoulders subtly nudging their way past sweaty bodies, until he launches himself into Changkyun’s presence.

“Oh!” The exclamation of surprise slips out of Changkyun, when he steps back and bumps into Hoseok. He turns, chin tilted up. Peering through the hazy light. “Hyung,” he says, a smile breaking onto his beautiful face. “I was hoping to bump into you.”

Hoseok returns the smile. His hands rest gently on Changkyun’s waist, to steady him. Just to steady him. “Well, now you have,” he replies.

Changkyun hides his face behind one delicate, long-fingered hand. His laugh is bright, and slightly drunken. “Look guys, it’s Hoseok hyung!” he shouts, turning to his friends, grinning broadly.

Jooheon claps him on the shoulder, but Changkyun’s other friend just looks at him with undisguised interest. It makes Hoseok squirm. He feels like he’s being appraised. “Kihyun,” the stranger says, leaning forward to be heard over the music. “Nice to finally meet you.”

 _Finally?_ Hoseok doesn’t know what that means. But that’s okay. The song changes, familiar thumping beats pouring through the room, and whatever it is, it makes Changkyun yelp in delight. He pumps his fist in the air, jumps in time with the music. Laughter bubbles out of Hoseok as he watches Changkyun.

“I’m going to get a drink,” Jooheon shouts as the song comes to an end. He turns to Kihyun. “Ki?”

Hoseok isn’t sure if he’s imagining it, but he thinks that Kihyun casts him a wary glance. “What about you?” Kihyun asks, leaning forward. He tugs on Changkyun’s arm, pulls him forward. “Want anything?”

Changkyun shakes his head vigorously. A new song is starting up, and Changkyun seems just as excited about this one as he had been about the previous one. “No,” he yells over the music. “I’ll stay here with Hoseok hyung!”

Kihyun doesn’t look happy about this, but he lets Jooheon drag him away.

And then it’s just the two of them. In a crowded room of hundreds of people, sure — but it’s still just the two of them.

Changkyun turns, slings his arms around Hoseok’s neck. He’s so generous with his physical affection, Hoseok thinks. He wonders if this is new, or if he’s just never been privy to this side of Changkyun before.

“I’m glad I found you,” Changkyun shouts, beaming.

Hoseok’s breath catches. “What, you mean tonight?”

“I mean in general.” Changkyun laughs. Leans forward, presses their bodies together. “But also tonight — you look good, hyung.”

It’s not clear if Changkyun is flirting with him. The uncertainty shudders through Hoseok’s core. Surely not. Surely he’s seeing something where there’s nothing. “Thanks,” he manages to mumble out.

But then Changkyun pouts — he fucking _pouts_ — and all of Hoseok’s rationality crumbles into dust.

“What, are you not going to tell me I look good too?” he whines. Pulls away from Hoseok, hands still holding onto his shoulders, to give him a better look.

Hoseok realises with a stutter of his heart that Changkyun’s t-shirt is loosely tucked into a pair of leather pants. His throat closes up. “You — you look good,” he chokes out.

Changkyun smirks. Sidles up to Hoseok again, leans his lips against Hoseok’s ear. The warmth of his breath sends shivers ricocheting across Hoseok’s nervous system.

“I know I do,” Changkyun whispers.

And Hoseok really can’t deny it any more. Changkyun’s definitely flirting with him. Maybe only because he’s drunk, but he’s definitely doing it.

Panic floods him. Is this what he wants? Is this the right thing to do? That’s his best friend’s _baby brother,_ for crying out loud!

He tightens his grip on Changkyun’s hips, holds him in place. “Kyun-ah,” he murmurs. He doesn’t know what he’s trying to say, only that he needs to say something before everything spirals out of control.

Changkyun just smiles coyly up at him. The two dimples above the corners of his lips appear again.

“It’s funny,” Changkyun murmurs, and Hoseok’s already prepared for something that will most certainly be not funny at all, and that will in fact probably stop his heart. “Remember how I told you I used to have a crush on you?”

And yes, of course he fucking does. It’s not like he’s thought about anything else since. He makes a strangled noise of assent in the back of his throat.

“The funny thing,” continues Changkyun, cocking his head to the side, casting Hoseok an appraising look, “is that when I told you that, I was so sure I was over you. But — but Kihyun hyung was right.”

Hoseok exhales shakily. “Kyun,” he says. His chest feels like it’s caving in.

“Kihyun hyung was right,” Changkyun repeats. He slides his hands over Hoseok’s shoulders, rests them on the edge of Hoseok’s jaw. His palms are warm and dry. He tilts his face up, stares intently at Hoseok, with those frustratingly magnetic eyes of his — so full of emotion, so soft and sad and contemplative.

“What was Kihyun right about?” Hoseok whispers like a secret.

The corners of Changkyun’s lips tilt upwards into the faintest of smiles. “That I still love you.”

It’s like the room falls silent, goes completely still. Hoseok thinks his heart has stopped beating as well. He doesn’t know how much time passes, the two of them just standing there, eyes locked.

He can feel his want curling up inside him, almost a physical being, desperate and yearning to claw its way out of his chest. He pushes it down. Reaches up to grab hold of Changkyun’s wrists, and pull his hands away. Stumbles backwards.

“Kyun,” he says, stuttering on the single syllable. “We — we can’t.”

The shattered expression on Changkyun’s face — Hoseok thinks he’ll never forget that. He waits for the pain to fade into anger, but it never does. Changkyun just places one hand firmly on Hoseok’s upper arm, like he’s trying to steady him.

“It’s okay, hyung,” he says. “It’s okay.”

Hoseok can’t believe Changkyun is the one comforting him, despite everything that’s happened. He feels suddenly like he’s about to cry. “Don’t,” he chokes out.

That’s when the circle of people around them breaks. “Got you some water,” Jooheon’s saying, emerging from the crowd. He pushes a plastic cup into Changkyun’s hands, which Changkyun accepts in surprise.

But Kihyun — he knows something’s happened. He glances from Changkyun, to Hoseok, then back again. “Kyunnie,” he says — the nickname rips at Hoseok’s heart, “is everything okay?”

Hoseok interrupts, forcing out a scratchy laugh. It sounds far too high-pitched. “I have to go,” he says quickly. Steps clumsily away from Changkyun. “I — gotta go find my friends.”

Changkyun raises his eyes, looks at him. “Hyung,” he starts. He looks like he’s on the verge of saying something else.

But Hoseok doesn’t give Changkyun time to say it, whatever it is. Doesn’t want to hear it. He shoves his way through the crowd, staggers off the dance floor. Wanders in a daze towards the exit, breaks through the doors, out into the sobering cold of the wintry night air.

 

-

 

He ends up talking to Hyunwoo about it.

He doesn't intend to, but he must be acting weird, because Hyunwoo corners him one day and demands to know what's going on. And Hoseok hasn't had anyone to talk to about how he feels, so it barely takes any prodding before everything just comes tumbling out of him. It's a confused mass of disjointed thoughts and inexplicable feelings, but Hyunwoo just nods wordlessly, and listens.

And then he says — “sounds like you like him too.”

Hoseok hadn’t realised it before then, but now that Hyunwoo says it, it seems painfully obvious.

The way he's feeling, it isn't just friendly. No matter what he tries to tell himself. Friends don't get a burning sensation in their chests when they look at their friends. Friends don't have to resist the aching urge to reach out and touch, to feel the heat of their friends' skin beneath their fingertips.

Hoseok doesn’t intend to, but he stays up all night, watching the sky slowly fade into inky black. The darkness seems interminable. But then, without warning or hesitation, it slowly lifts into the pale, foggy dove-grey of daybreak.

He likes Changkyun. Hoseok repeats the words to himself.

He supposes he should do something about this now.

 

-

 

Changkyun looks surprised to see him. His lips part in a small ‘o’ of bewilderment. It’s so endearing it almost drives Hoseok to grabbing Changkyun’s face and pressing a kiss against his forehead. But no — one thing at a time.

“What are you doing here?” Changkyun asks, peering out from behind his front door.

Hoseok swallows his panic. There should be no reason to be nervous. Changkyun literally confessed to him barely a week ago. All he’s doing now is saying, ‘me too’. Hoseok wonders if he can just shout that at Changkyun, and leave. Probably not.

“I, um,” Hoseok says, stumbles. Not a great start. “Can I come in?”

Then — a voice, from within the flat.

“Kyun-ah, who is it?”

Hoseok’s heard that voice before, he thinks. His heart twists.

Changkyun turns, glances back, pulling the door open slightly as he does so. Hoseok catches sight of Kihyun — fierce-looking Kihyun with his arms wrapped around Changkyun on the dance floor — sitting at the kitchen table. He’s in a faded, oversized t-shirt and sweatpants, spooning cereal into his mouth. It’s just past eleven in the morning. Hoseok knows, without needing to ask, that Kihyun’s spent the night.

“Just Hoseokie hyung,” Changkyun calls out to Kihyun.

The nickname make Hoseok feel even more stupid. Changkyun had been drunk, obviously, that’s all it was. The confession wasn’t real. Changkyun doesn’t actually like him, after all. He wants to turn and bolt.

“I can go,” he says, quickly. Starts to step back, away from the door, away from Changkyun. “If I’m interrupting —”

“No, no,” Changkyun cuts through him. “You’re not interrupting. Just, uh — let me get my jacket. I’ll take a walk with you.”

Hoseok can see Kihyun frowning at them. “Kyun-ah,” he says, setting down his cereal spoon. There’s a warning in his voice. He’s a tiny man, but Hoseok can’t help but feel intimidated. So what if he could take any beefy boyfriend of Changkyun’s? This Kihyun character is scarier than any musclehead Hoseok’s ever met.

“It’s fine, hyung,” Changkyun says, reaching across the door for a jacket. He shrugs it on, a fleece-lined demin jacket that completely engulfs him, grabs some keys and shoves them into his pocket. He steps out of his flat, turns back and smiles at Kihyun. “I won’t be long. If you need to go, just let yourself out.”

Kihyun grunts in acknowledgement. Changkyun pulls the door shut on the death glare he’s shooting Hoseok’s way.

“Sorry about Ki,” mumbles Changkyun apologetically, as they shuffle down the stairs to the ground floor together, step out of the building and into the frosty winter air. “He’s just a little — protective of me.”

Now that they’re alone, the reality of what Hoseok’s trying to do crashes over him. Any assurance he’d had from Changkyun’s confession is now outweighed by the knowledge that Kihyun was in Changkyun’s dorm first thing on a Saturday morning. He is overcome by an urge to make up some excuse for why he was looking for Changkyun, repress the memory of Changkyun saying he liked him — no, _loved_ him — and bury all of his unresolved feelings.

But he thinks about Changkyun. Thinks about his bravery, his vulnerability. Thinks about how he deserves the best.

“What you said to me, last time,” Hoseok says. He keeps his eyes trained on the path ahead of them. Changkyun walks along beside him, his physical presence impossible to ignore despite how slight he is in frame. “In the club. About — you know.”

Changkyun coughs awkwardly into his fist. “Right,” he replies. There’s tension radiating off him now. “Sorry about that. I was drunk, and — I shouldn’t have said that. I hope it hasn’t made things weird.”

“No, it hasn’t,” says Hoseok hastily. He clears his throat. His tongue feels thick and heavy in his mouth. “I, uh — I wanted to, um —” He trails off. The words just aren’t coming to him.

Changkyun glances up at him, winces. “Don’t worry about it,” he says. “Let’s just forget about it. Forget what I said.”

Panic mounts in Hoseok. “No,” he blurts out. Pauses. Changkyun stops walking, turns to face him, confusion scrawled across his delicate features. Hoseok sighs. “No, I mean — I don’t want to forget about it.”

“No?”

Hoseok clenches his teeth, and his fists. In a futile attempt to stop feeling like he’s vibrating out of his body. “No,” he repeats, firmly. “I don’t want to forget about it. Because —” Hoseok inhales deeply, exhales as evenly as he can manage. “Because I’m in love with you too.”

The silence that follows thunders through Hoseok. It feels like he’s being ripped apart. Changkyun’s just standing there, eyes wide with shock and maybe a little bit of panic.

His lips part, ever so slightly. “Hyung,” he exhales. It already sounds like an apology.

Hoseok squeezes his eyes shut, shakes his head. When he opens them again, Changkyun looks like he’s on the verge of tears. He doesn’t know what that means, but it can’t be anything good.

“I know — I know you might not have meant what you said,” Hoseok starts, his voice catching in his throat. His lungs ache. He can’t seem to take in enough air. “I know — maybe you’re with Kihyun, or something. I don’t mean for this to mean anything. But I think — I’ve been in love with you for a while now. And I thought you should know.”

Another silence. It drags on through icy cold.

“I’m not with Kihyun,” Changkyun says, finally. “I, um — sometimes we sleep together. But we’re not together. I don’t — I don’t like him that way.”

Okay. Hoseok feels dizzy. His gut clenches with frustration at Changkyun’s admission that he sometimes sleeps with Kihyun. But at least they’re not boyfriends. That has to count for something, right?

Or maybe Changkyun doesn’t have a boyfriend, and _still_ he doesn’t want Hoseok.

“It’s fine,” Hoseok says, forcing a smile. “It’s fine, no pressure. It’s fine.”

Changkyun frowns at him. “What’s fine?”

Hoseok just wishes he could be put out of his misery. “If you don’t like me back,” he says. His voice sounds strangled. “It’s fine. I just — I just wanted you to know.”

Changkyun hesitates for the briefest of seconds. Then he reaches out, places one hand on Hoseok’s cheek. It feels warm against Hoseok’s skin. Or maybe Hoseok’s the one who’s ice cold.

“You idiot,” Changkyun says, and maybe he’s imagining it, but Hoseok thinks he can hear the fondness in his voice. “Of course I like you back.” A sigh. “I’m in love you with you. I don’t think I ever stopped being in love with you.”

Hoseok blinks.

“Oh,” he says. “Really?”

Changkyun’s face breaks out into a smile. It looks like the sun cresting the horizon after an interminable night. “Really,” he says.

“What about Kihyun?”

This makes Changkyun narrow his eyes. “What _about_ Kihyun?”

Hoseok winces. “I just mean — he doesn’t seem to like me very much,” he explains. “What if — maybe he’s in love with you?”

Bewilderingly, this makes Changkyun laugh. “Kihyun’s the one who helped me figure out that I’m still in love with you,” he says, lightly. “He just — he thinks that you’ll hurt me.”

“What?” Hoseok says, affronted. “Why?”

“Because he thought that you wouldn’t ever love me back,” Changkyun explains softly, looking down. He kicks at the gravel on the path. “Or that you would never do anything about it, even if you did.”

And that — that’s fair enough, Hoseok supposes. He licks his lips. Tries to find the words to say to make Changkyun realise, that he would never — _never_ — hurt him.

“I do love you,” Hoseok murmurs. “You’re — very special to me. I’m sorry for taking so long to realise.”

Changkyun beams up at him. “That’s okay,” he says, and it sounds like he means it. He leans closer, both hands rest gingerly on Hoseok’s arms to steady himself. His voice drops, even lower, even quieter, than it usually is. “I guess it took some time for me to, you know. Grow on you.”

Yeah,” Hoseok breathes. His heart hammers wildly in his chest. This is happening now. He slides his hands on to Changkyun’s hips. “But you did,” he adds, gently. Like he’s speaking his most intimate truth. Maybe he is. “You did — grow on me.”

When their lips touch, Hoseok feels warmth spreading through him, like wildfire igniting and catching and burning fierce across the plains of his body, his soul. Standing in the brisk air, his arms wrapped around Changkyun and Changkyun’s arms wrapped around him, it doesn’t feel so cold. It doesn’t feel like they’re in the dead of winter any more.

Blossoms erupt into life.

It feels like the beginnings of spring.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked that - I don't know why, but I found wonho's pov quite hard to write :c let me know what you thought! I'm just really love the idea of wonkyun both being in love with each other but being too awkward to really know what to do about it, siiiigh
> 
> please leave kudos/comments, and come talk to me @notionxally on twitter or cc :)


End file.
